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Wednesday, 09 May 2012

  • Shake it out.

    I really wanted to believe everything you said.  About still loving me, about you and her being only friends.  Even if we aren't together, you still drive my insecurities.  I come to you about my nightmares hoping for you to tell me that it was just a dream.  And you ignore it.  I tell you how real it feels and you say "is that so?"  Really that's all you have to say?  After everything you said to me the other day....  Do you have any idea how bad that hurts?  I can't take you acting like this any more.

  • Tick Tock Tick Tock

    So this is like a mini pity party....But please no sympathy, i don't need it. I just need this off my chest.
    So I was walking in walmart the other day and I kid you not, I had a mental break down. Now before you say anything let me tell you where I was, I was next to the baby section. I had a mental break down in the baby department at walmart. I don't know why. Yes I want kids but I know i'm not in a great place to be having a child. It's like baby fever kicking into overdrive. It's not the first time this has happened either. One of the last times I was in Oklahoma with my now ex we were in walmart and I wondered off trying to play with him and found myself in the baby department.  I had a mental break down in their baby department.... I had to call him to come get me because I was crying so much. I honestly think my clock has started ticking and to some extent, it pisses me off.  I know I want kids by the time i'm 25 or so.  I'm only 20 now so I have time but this whole baby fever is gonna kill me, or make me avoid chunks of walmart for a while.

Monday, 07 May 2012

  • Battlefield

    Gonna pick myself up off of the ground, dust myself off, and try to make it again day to day. For everyone who's been here through this, I ask that you stay around just a little bit longer. I need you all more than ever right now. I've throw in the towel and accepted what is. Doesn't make it any better but there's nothing else I can do anymore. What's the point in stressing over something that's out of my control? No more stressing. Gonna accept it, shed a few tears, and go on with life.  I've sheathed my sword.  I'm done fighting for someone who doesn't want to be fought for. My armor is dented and cracked, i'm tired and broken. Love is a battlefield and I never meant to start a war.  I put my white flag up and fall to whatever fate I've brought on myself.  He'll always be a big part of me but I will no longer hold him back and be the reason he's unhappy.  So to everyone that has tried to help, tried to be there, and tried to make things better, I thank you but your efforts were wasted.  I'll pick myself up someday and be ok but not today.  Today I just want to finish breaking.  

  • I'll be ok even though my skies are turning Gray

    So lately i've found out that a lot of songs say the words that i will never get to speak, mostly because I know you won't get to hear them.  I know that I need to move on, because it seems you already have.  I hit your shit list knowing full well what I was doing.  Truth be told, it's probably better if you just hate me.  It'll make the transition so much easier.  
    You say always worry about me, I find that hard to believe. You said you texted, I didn't get it.  My phone's been being stupid. There was a time where if I didn't answer, you'd text till I did, because you were worried.  
    But moving on will be the hardest thing I will ever do.  You're still a big part of my life.  You always have been, for almost 6 years.  I know that we probably weren't meant to be, but deep in my heart I still feel that I am yours, even though you're no longer mine.  That's why I got so confused when you got kinda territorial of me.  If there's one memory I don't want to lose it's every kiss, every touch that sent chills through me, you proposing to me in the middle of the mall, you holding me when I got scared, you holding me as I drifted to sleep, falling asleep with you on the couch.  Ok so that's more than one memory but still.  
    You deserve someone that will make you smile, someone who can give you everything that you want, a wife, a family, even if it's not me.  I want more than anything for you to be happy.  There was a time where you were and I want you to have that back.  Find someone who makes you as happy as I did once.  Don't hold them accountable for my mistake.  
    This will probably be the last thing you see from me because i'm deleting your number and taking you off my friends list.  Seeing your posts and the music videos that just further tell me that you hate me and don't want me just....hurts.  I can't handle that anymore.  
    I hope one day you heal and become the person you want to be, someone just like your grandpa Vance.  Until then, surround yourself with the people that make you feel good.  The people who have always supported and loved you.  
    Keep everything, Flop, the blade, the voodoo doll, the stone heart, the necklaces, all of it.  I don't want any of it back.
     You'll always be in my heart, even if i'm not in yours.

  • Hind sight's kinda blurry

    I know it's in my best interest to let go....but damnit...... I DON'T WANT TO! Even though i cry for him every day. even though i still feel him close to me.....even though he doesn't seem to give a damn.....he's still someone that very much has the largest piece of my heart. Someone that i feel i gave everything to, someone that i planned a future with, someone that i want to grow old with, someone that i wanted children with, do you know how hard it is to let go of that?  someone that means so much to you....and one moment they say you mean the same, but then turn around and throw it all back in your face and make you feel like you don't mean shit to them anymore, make you feel like everything they ever said was a lie.  if i could let him see all of this...i would. if he could know the effect he's having on me...i would, but it seems too much like he doesn't care, and that hurts worse than getting stabbed. i want to talk to him....but he has no interest in talking to me it seems. have i tried to text him, no...because i don't want to bother him.  And even if I did, just said hi or something, I would feel pretty stupid if he didn't respond.  Sure if he didn't respond that would just be the universe telling me even more that he doesn't care....I don't think I can handle that anymore.